One of the good things about having moved to this desolate part of Oz is that one of my oldest girlfriends lives a mere three hours drive away and in a very beautiful region of this state. Think wineries and foodie restaurants and in winter it is bitter cold. Snow cold. I was dying to visit her as it had been nearly a year since we had seen each other and we had some catching up to do. Husband and I headed over there for a few days.
One morning as we were having breakfast in a beautiful lakeside restaurant my friend looked at me and asked me how am I really doing? I looked at her and thought a moment and then the tears started slowly falling from my eyes. I am fine I tried to reassure her then I started to tell her how much I miss my daughters and my house and my garden and how much of my city life I have given up to accompany the husband to the middle of nowhere. I just had not really given it much thought until that moment but the floodgates opened at this realisation.
That night an unexpected guest arrived at my friend’s house for dinner. I had met her before and knew she was quite a dominating woman who was mainly interested in talking about herself. No sooner had she walked in the door that she announced she was on match.com and elite singles and desperate for a man. Husband sat next to her at dinner and soon they were having an exclusive conversation which carried on THE WHOLE DINNER LONG. Even as my friend and I were clearing the table there sat husband and desperate single female chatting to each other.
At first I was thinking he was just being sociable but then I noticed he was flirty with her, telling her jokes, then arguing about feminism but what really struck me was the exclusiveness. No one else at the table was invited to join their conversation. I started to feel humiliation creep up, I started to feel disrespected. I started to think how the fuck dare he flirt right there in front of me. I got angry and went in the other room at which point she left and then I went to bed.
H comes to bed and realises there is something wrong with me. Really????? Are you fucking serious? I did not want to have an argument with him in my friend’s house so I tossed and turned all night and then woke up early in the morning and decided to leave. We drove three hours home during which time I could not speak to him, nor could I even look at him. All that was going through my mind was that he was a true utter bastard and no idea what he had done to me and was so selfish in his behaviour. What an arsehole!
We got home and I started to pack my clothes and belongings. I also started to tell him why I was so upset and he just started to defend his actions. I even asked him if he got her phone number at which point he just walked out the room. The boundary we had set up was if he fucks up in any way then I am gone. Rules is rules. Trouble is he did not think he had fucked up. He was just chatting to an overbearing woman. His defence at this point was that he had no intention of any liaison with her but she was hard to get away from and that he did not want to hurt her feelings by being rude. ( Of course it was quite alright to hurt my feelings.) For me, it brought back all those feelings of being ignored and disrespected especially if we were out socially and he just had to be the centre of attention with a bunch of women. I would always get pissed off at him and ruin his good fun and no matter how much I told him his flirting hurt me he would argue that it was just harmless socializing and that he could not help it if he got on with women better than men. Fucking Douche. Of course now we both know how that harmless flirt can easily be the first step to something more serious.
He went off to work the next morning and I got into my car and I drove for 11 hours. I headed home to my house in the city. I cried so much on that drive. I only stopped for fuel. I could not even play any music. I hated what he had so effortlessly done to me and I hated it even more that he was such a retard that he could not even see it.
He has an online therapist. He started to work through what had happened and finally saw that his actions truly sucked. How stupid can he be though? How could he not see that what he was doing would be perceived by me as a reversion to his old behaviour? How could he not see that to talk exclusively with a single woman at dinner was offensive to me. The trouble is even though he may not have had any future thoughts on this woman his actions to me showed otherwise. I can’t read his mind. I judge by his actions. Where he thought he was being nice and kind to her he did not think how I would be affected. What a fucking idiot.
I was in the city, back in my house and living with my youngest daughter who is house sitting for us. Thank god we kept the house. I could not speak to him. His defence just wore me out. I filed separation papers. It felt good though even though it was quite traumatic. I felt I had to make the stand. For heavens sake, it is two and half years since I found out he was a lying deceitful bastard and I had given him two and a half years of trying to rebuild a shattered marriage and he thoughtlessly in his own innocent mind fucks up. See how it is still all about him first and not a thought given to think about me?
I left to give myself some space. I needed to be away from him distracting me. I needed some time to think. I loved catching up with people and more so with my daughters. My time away was tinged with sadness. No matter how hard I tried to show everyone I was happy and doing the right thing I was deep down suffering sadness and pain and no amount of distraction would help me.
I did however, spend some time at a health and wellness retreat in the gold coast hinterland. It pushed a big reset button for me. It affected me in Mind Body Spirit but my time there deserves a post all of its own. I have been without my computer these past months and I just can’t post on my ipad so I have some catching up to do.
I had stayed away for two months. I am back. He has a lump. He has had ultrasounds, biopsies and now needs surgery. I came back because I know I could not. I came back to help him drive two hours back and forth to the nearest doctor. I came back to hold his hand while we wait for results. I came back because I had a gut feeling he was desolate. I came back because I know he was devastated when I left. I came back to help him.
I do not think I will stay. I will stay long enough to help him after surgery.