I have come to the realisation that I feel the need to write when things are not going so good. I must need to get my frustrations, my sad, my unhappy in print and maybe it is the outlet I need. When I first started my blog I had this intense need to just get it out and maybe I also think I needed some validation. I needed to know I wasn’t the only betrayed spouse out there. I needed to feel that my emotions were validated. When life is running smooth I just coast along trying to live with gratitude and a more positive outlook on the shit that has happened. The shit that I married. The shit that I ignored. Shit happens in life.
It is what it is and how I live through it will be how I go forward each day.
From time to time when I think about the past five years I know that I have done a lot of work on how I perceive life. I feel I used to be so vulnerable and naive. I feel I was looking at life in a simple immature shallow way. Infidelity has made me wake the fuck up. It has made me face the worst fears. It has brought me to the slippery edge of pure despair. It has made me revalue everything in my life. It was like a huge giant wake the fuck up call. As horrible as it was I have gained a better understanding of my life and how I want to live it.
First time since the infidelity branch nearly crushed me to death I visited with my in laws. I never thought I would. If you had asked me four years ago if I would see them again it was a definite NO. They live thirty travel hours away so it isn’t something easily done. It also wasn’t easy to do. It was way harder than I thought. I am not as tough as I thought I was.
My mother in law sees her son as the most wonderful person in the world. He is the golden child. The beacon of integrity on a pedestal of pure gold. The wonder child. The clever one. Blah blah blah….she was always telling me how lucky I was to marry him. I always bit my tongue. Over the years something has shifted and even though she knows nothing of his infidelity I suspect she knows that something big had happened. She will never let on and in true British style she will ignore anything too close to emotions. For the first three years after the big reveal of his arsehole behaviour I stopped writing or calling her. I just could not trust myself. I knew that if I was in a certain mood and she told me once again how wonderful her son was then I would most likely tell her just how disgusting he was.
It was decided by my husband and his sister and his brother not to tell their mother just how much of an arsehole her golden boy really was. The family had decided she would not cope with the news very well and that she really did not need to know. I was on board with that but of course it meant that conversations with her were going to be very difficult as I was very angry and sad for those first few years.
The one good thing that came from this was that Husband was made to realise just who had been doing the hard work of letter writing, birthday cards, Christmas presents and phone calls for the past thirty years and that if he was to maintain a relationship with his parents then HE would have to do the work. He actually started to make an effort and has maintained communications very well. Good for him! Old chap!
So, back to the visit and the inevitable conversations about how wonderful wonderboy is and in just about one conversation per day she would comment on how wonderboy is wearing a wedding ring. It was a statement and she wasn’t looking for a reply or comment. She would just make a statement. I did my very best and in fact I think I deserve a medal as I negotiated my way through her declarations of his highness the wonderboy. Meanwhile wonderboy did acknowledge to me several times during our stay how difficult it must be for me to listen to this. For that I was grateful.
On our last night there mother in law looks at my left hand ( I have not worn a wedding ring since feb 2014 …in fact I have lost it…ooops) and does not ask me but makes a statement at me. ‘ Not bothering with a wedding ring then’ It was not a question. I just sipped my wine.
My brother in law married for the first time two years ago. I have spoken with new wife on the phone a few times and she seems lovely. I have never seen a photograph of her. This is a family who do not believe in modern technology. It is a bit common and crass. No one even has a smart phone let alone god forbid internet or Netflix or an iPad. I guess we are lucky they have the phone as in land line and yes…letters to them are posted….in a letterbox….
So, I have never met my new sister in law. I had no idea what she looked like but she sounded friendly and kind so I was looking forward to meeting her.
When she walked through the door and started to unwrap all her winter gear I nearly fainted. I don’t know how I got through the next ten minutes because I was in a state of shock. She is the spitting image of one of husbands whores…right down to the short red hair….the same colouring…..I could have sworn it was the whore. The same build…the same shaped face. The same pale skin colour….but it wasn’t. But it just threw me. I could not talk for a bit. The shock really hit me. I started to get a bit panicky. She even wore the same weird bulky jewellery. What the fuck is this? I really cannot describe what I was living through at the time but it just stopped me functioning.
I sat and started working on the thoughts racing through my head. I knew Husband had met the new wife before she was a wife as he had visited on his own a few years back. Did he not realise at the time that intended new wife looked just like his current whore? Did he not think it was weird? I had not met whore in person as I had just seen the photos he had of her that were on his phone. Maybe in real life they did not look alike. I don’t know. I didn’t ask H. I had decided that I will just bury this all for a bit. I will let this pass. I won’t cause an argument or have the discussion that will be upsetting for everyone. I will just dwell on it and think about it all. Hence I am writing in my blog.
There will be a day ……coming up soon ……where I will ask the question……….